Pauline's Blog

poplistic21 — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 12:07:55 +0000

I came across this on Tumblr and reading this made my heart sank. I am moved.

[From his perspective]

I think the most painful thing I have ever done in my life, was falling in love for my bestfriend..

Don’t get me wrong, she is amazing.. She’s has this.. this natural strive that I admired so much. Like she can do anything in life, and I honestly believe she can. If she wanted the world, it be hers. If she wanted to dance, she’d sore. What I loved most is that she could find the beauty out of anything. I remember once, we were walking in the park and we noticed a rather old couple kissing. I thought it was bit awkward honestly, but she just stared in amazement. I nudged her a tiny bit and told her it’s rude to stare. She laughed and said, “I can’t help it.. Look at the way he looks at her.. It’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. And look at her, even in old age I can see why he loves her.. She’s beautiful.. I wonder if I’ll ever be that lucky. Maybe one day.”She shrugged and continued walking. And as I stared after her, I had this sudden urge just to grab her hand right there and hold her.. And just tell her she could if she was with me.. But I couldn’t..

So one day at school she ran up to me and leaped into my arms where I gladly caught her. She had the most radiating smile set across her face and her cheeks were flushed. I asked her what did I do, hoping it was me who made her smile that is.. And she laughed and kissed my cheek, “You didn’t do anything haha, the guy of my dreams just asked me to be his girlfriend! Look at what he got me!“ Ouch. I felt that hit. And even though I just wanted to sit down and think, I couldn’t let myself falter. So I squared my shoulders and stood up straight as I smiled, “That’s great, I’m happy for you bestfriend.” It must have been the best performance of life.

But that wasn’t the painful part. It hurt, but it was bearable. I was too consumed by the thought of her being happy, my own happiness wasn’t that much of an issue. No, the tormenting part came a year later.

One random night at around midnight she called me. And the moment I heard her say hello, My heart cracked. She had been crying. I couldn’t understand a single word she was saying.. She just kept rambling and sobbing about how badly she was hurting. I told her to wait for me and that I’d be there in a secon. I grabbed my car keys and hurried to her house.

I came around back to find her window open for me. I hopped right into the pitch dark room looking for her. After a moment I heard a sob escape, and there she was.. in the corner of the room holding herself tightly. I rushed up to her and held her close, telling her it was going to be alright, and that I was here for her. I held her like that for what felt like forever. Just in the dark, holding her tight against my chest, trying so hard not to cry. I had to be strong for this fragile little thing.

After awhile of hopeless crying, she fell asleep. I picked her up as I stood up. Walking over so much stuff but I didn’t think nothing of it yet. I set her down in the bed and headed for the light.

I clicked it on and shock consumed me. Everything was in chaos. Her chair was flipped on the floor, there had been a tiny hole in the wall, her clothes were every where, and in the corner I saw some broken glass. I walked over to see a picture frame smashed. I turned it over and saw a picture of her with her boyfriend. She was looking beautiful of course, and he.. he just looked so cocky and stupid. I took the picture out and tore it in half, putting her half in my wallet as I ripped the other half into a thousands of shreds. I started to clean up the glass until I noticed a bit that there was a small trail of blood on the floor, and I followed it and noticed where it led.. To the corner of the room.. where I had first found her..

No she couldn’t have. I instantly walked right over to her and slightly adjusted her to see her wrists.. and oh my god. There it was. A bit of dried blood on her arm and a handkerchief wrapped around the cut. My heart finally broke.

The fact that she had done that.. and the reason why because of some guy.. It killed me. Seeing my bestfriend, The girl I had so deeply fallen in love with, hurt herself like this. When I know I could clearly do better. When I know I would never ever hurt her. When I know this would never happen with me. It destroyed me..

I laid in bed beside her and held her close, dear god help her.. The next morning when I woke up I found her sitting at her desk starring at the window. I sat up and looked at her.. even in this state of depression, she still looked breathtaking.

Morning, I said. But she didn’t respond. Instead she looked down at her wrist and slightly smiled, “He cheated on me.. I just found out last night.. it’s actually been going on for a few months now aha. Funny thing is I sort of noticed just didn’t say anything.. ” That I did not know. I stood up about to apologize but she said, “You know what the worst part is? That after a year of dating, I fell in love with him. Not that bull shitted crap teens believe they’re in. No, I know I loved him…so much..” Her voice was barely above a whisper now, “I loved him. I gave him all of me.. and I wasn’t enough. Ha, I feel so… so worthless.” After awhile I asked her what she meant by ‘all of me’.

She finally turned to look at me with those sad brown eyes, “We.. I gave him me.. I gave him my first time.. We made love.. at least to me it was.. HA! Look at me, your bestfriend just made the biggest mistake of her life. I must look so stupid to you huh?!” She stood up abruptly and threw her stuff off the table at the wall.

I grabbed her, hoping to restrain her, but she was trying so hard to shake me off. “Let go of me! Get away Get away!” But I just held on tighter, even when she hit me, I just kept holding. Too determined.

She finally stopped resisting and crashed against my chest and the crying finally came again. “What did I do wrong!? All I did was love him! I gave him everything and all of me! God what happened! I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do.” She screamed and I only held her tighter. It was the scariest part of my life.

And for the next few months, it was always like this. Her cutting herself at random times. Her screaming from the pain. Her crying to me on the phone..

The hardest part about falling in love with your bestfriend, is watching them suffer in agony over some worthless guy. And realizing just how much she loved him and knowing if you were just given the chance, she would never have to hurt like this..

“Summer on the Other Side of the World”

poplistic21 — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 00:06:41 +0000

By: Marjolein Rikkelman (Sydney, Australia)

Walking to the beach,

Putting my feet deep into the sand…

It’s still warm from the sun,

The feeling goes straight through my body and shivers…

I look around me and the feelings gets stronger,

Mostly locals are still on the beach,

Having delicious picnics with their families,

Fathers with children playing with kites…

Girls and boys cooling down in the ocean…

I’m walking around and sit down,

Watching the sun goes down…

Taking this moment as one of the best ones yet…

Millions of miles away from home but I don’t feel alone,

My heart is warm from the sun…

Warm from the love and happiness that these people share…

here at this moment…

at this beach…

Farewell Marshy-Poo

poplistic21 — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 09:55:05 +0000

I thought it was best to put into action the decision I made, and so I did on this Friday. But now I don’t know anymore. I don’t know where Marshmallow is and who brought her home with them. I don’t know if they are bringing her home for the right reasons, and I don’t know if they will provide better care for her than I did.

Today at 12-ish pm was when I gave her to where I got her. We had her for a little over three years, and now I can’t stop thinking about her sweetness and how soft her white fur was when I pet her as she sat in front of me I am already missing her dearly, and she has this uniqueness in her that is rare to find in a bunny. I love how she would lick anyone who pets her or she would run up to you randomly and licks your feet. She will always be my family’s special blue-eyed dwarf bunny.

She would always sleep on my lap the first year we got her.

Before she had to go

August ’08 – September ’11

SPED Prof.

poplistic21 — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 08:43:39 +0000

My SPED 371 professor is… unique, and sometimes his comments are rather entertaining.

1. He thinks that any teacher who gives homework should be sterilized.

2. He believes that homework is just busy work and that it is not studying.

3. He said there is no research that shows doing homework will help students to better learn the material. Zero academic achievement.

4. He doesn’t believe in giving students a bunch of chapters to read in the textbook, and then have the students write a one page summary or outline of the chapter.

5. He doesn’t believe in doing projects that involves big posters. He hates them and thinks a student should only have to make one poster throughout their entire academic career.

6. He said taking multiple choice exams will not help students learn the material. It gives the opposite effect in that the students will just forget the material a few days after the exam.

7. He believes the people who lives in Norco has very low IQ. 8. He told his children to don’t do homework because it is a waste of time. 9. He loves the smell of the Expo pens and couldn’t stop sniffing them >.<

poplistic21 — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 09:51:47 +0000

Not long ago did I want to find my significant other, and be happily in love. This was mostly my priority during my adolescence. My priority now is to succeed in school, and to be stable in all aspects. I am not asking to be wealthy. I am not asking to live in a mansion. I am not asking to drive a luxurious car. All I am asking for is stability. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want to get my Bachelor’s Degree. I want my parents to be proud of me, especially my mother. The career I have in mind will not make me rich. I know this for a fact. If this career makes me happy then it is good enough.

Happiness to me is being content with my life. What is contentment to me? It is having a career that I enjoy. It is being healthy. It is being physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially stable. It is living a simple and carefree life. It is knowing that my parents and my siblings are happy and healthy. Having all of this in one package is my definition of happiness. If I have all of this, I will not ask for more.

I do believe in love. Finding that person who is it for you is a beautiful thing. I just don’t think it is important right now; therefore, I am not looking or wanting a relationship anytime soon. I am pretty sure I will be okay with not ever finding a significant other, if that is to be the case. Sometimes I thank God for making me an introvert. Regardless of the cons for being introverted, I am happy that I do not need to always be around people to get me going. If someone special does come my way, I will see that as a bonus.

“I believe in true love, but I also believe that I can be a happy and complete person without it.”

poplistic21 — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 03:42:26 +0000

Dear Person I Wish I Was Never Related To,

Please give my mom respect. She is my other half, and my better half. I need her in my life. I need her to be happy. There are so many times I want to wish you were dead so my mom doesn’t have to go through the pain and distress you caused her each week. I lie in bed crying earlier hearing you yelling at Mom and calling her disrespectful names. It hurts me deeply, and I do not know if anything will hurt me as much as this. Whatever you are doing to her effects me also, not just her. When you hurt her, you are hurting me also. Where is the love coming from you? I don’t see it. You are an evil monster with no sensitivity towards others but yourself. You are a cruel, selfish, and disgusting man. I hope one day someone will hurt you the way you have been hurting your family. I wish for you to die or be hospitalized. At least if you are hospitalized, you will know the appreciation of family.

My face looked bruised and have been swollen from an allergic reaction. My face look even worse now after crying. I have a lot to read and study for, but I can’t focus. I am hungry, but I don’t feel like eating. I hope you are happy.

poplistic21 — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 22:55:24 +0000

Last semester I was at GWC… oh how I miss it oh so much. I spent six semesters studying there and working on campus. I felt wanted and I felt like I fit in. My job at the time made it possible for me to know half the people on campus. I remembered always seeing familiar faces everywhere I go. This semester is not like that anymore. I am now attending CSUF, and I barely know anyone. I feel like a stranger and a loner. For the past few weeks, I have been feeling extroverted and I have this urge of wanting to meet new people. But who? I can’t just come up to a random person walking by me and say hi. It’s weird!

I also miss my high school. Just a few days ago I was reminiscing my years at BGHS. Lyan is by far my longest friend that I still keep in touch with as of today. This Fall will be our 8 years of friendship. I am thankful our friendship has gone this far, and I hope it will continue for the longest time. Speaking of friendship duration, Misa is my second longest friend. We have known each other since our junior year at BGHS, so I say about 4 years now? Misa is like my twin, and I am thankful for her.

Love: Make or Break

poplistic21 — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 09:37:26 +0000

True love can either make you or break you. That’s what I believe. To support this, I browsed around and read how love changes one’s life. I came across two person’s personal experiences that stood out to me. I decided to repost what they had to say about love because they said it beautifully and perfectly. I wouldn’t be able to word it any other way. One has a positive outcome while the other has a negative outcome.

“When I fell deeply in love, it made me feel alive like never before. It made me wonder what was that other life I lived. Everything in this world looked beautiful now. The sunrise, the sunset, full moon, a dark night with a crescent, just about everything looked beautiful than ever before. They all had no meaning without him by my side. Every moment of every day looked beautiful with the thoughts of him. Every moment of every day felt alive thinking of him. Songs sounded sweeter than ever, I didn’t care about any other news of this world or what’s going on around me. Just the feeling of him gave me the most comfort. I felt as if I lived just to feel that love. Everything was lifeless when I was not with him. I felt his presence when he was not with me. I abruptly woke up during midnights as if some one tried to wake me up, only to realize he was trying to reach me at that exact same moment. I could live with this person anywhere in any condition; all I need to survive is his love. Luxuries and comforts meant nothing to me. All I cared was his touch and his whisper and looking at his peaceful face when he rested on my lap. Whole world looked yellow and green and colorful.
There were many moments when I wondered what it is. I never felt this before. Is this love? It must be, I thought! How fortunate I am to have experienced this in my life.” – Jes

“In my case, I suffered, got carried away and went down the spiral when I fell in love. I lost sight of my goals. I guess it all depends on what it resulted in. Unfortunately I fell in deep love at a wrong time. Yes I believe so, the timing has to be right. This deep love that stayed in my heart, restricted, unable to flow freely towards who it is meant for, made me very sad and eventually cynical regarding some things. Nothing ever makes sense anymore. I lost focus on my goals. The work I loved so much, doesn’t interest me anymore. It’s just a way to earn living. All other goals lost meaning. I am living literally to perform my duties and nothing more. I am getting lots of help to come out of this state, I am sure I will at some point in time. At this point I am also very sure I will never feel this same love again. And I pray that I am wrong.” – S

My Hero

poplistic21 — Sun, 09 May 2010 09:28:24 +0000

It’s Mother’s Day, and I am thinking about my mom. My mother is my hero. Growing up she was the only one working having to raise her husband and three children. My mom always had to wake up around 6 or 7am to cook for the family, and then head off to work at 9am. She doesn’t get home till 8 or 9 at night. My mom pretty much worked 11 hours most days just to make as much money as she can. My mother worked six days a week, and her days were long and exhausting. Her schedule had been like this for over 15 years. When my mother got home from work, she had to put up with her ungrateful husband and the negative emotions he gave her.

My mother was never lazy, not for one second. She was always on her feet. This is why my mother is my hero. I admire her strength, her hard work, and her beauty.

… And my mommy just did it again. She made me so happy earlier when she told me this:

Mom: Anh nao duoc con yeu la lucky lam do. Con biet lam nguoi khac vui roi con cuoi de thuong nua.

Pauline: Thiet khong do?

Mom: Uhm. Thiet.

I don’t think anyone out there can make me feel as special as my mommy makes me feel

“You showed me

When I was young just how to grow

You showed me

Everything that I should know

You showed me

Just how to walk without your hands

‘Cause mom you always were

The perfect fan”

poplistic21 — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 01:43:29 +0000

I woke up at 1pm today just to soon find out that my dad is pissing off my mom again. *sigh* When will he just stop it? My dad has this personality where he trash other people’s belongings. I don’t understand why he is like this. If something does not belong to you, then it’s common sense to don’t touch it, let alone trashing it.

I remembered at my old apartment (I was in 3rd grade at the time), I saw my mom lying on her bed crying. She just lie there and cried. My dad was outside the living room calmly reading the newspaper not wanting to ease my mom when she was shedding tears… the tears he started in the first place! The reason my mom cried was due to the fact that my dad had tossed most of her clothes away (and her other stuff as well). I guess after that, my mom grew stronger. Ever since then, when moments like these happens again, my mom yell back. Still, negative emotions are negative emotions. Stress is stress. It’s not a pleasant feeling for one to want to go through.

Not once have my mom ever tossed anything that belongs to my dad. It wouldn’t make sense anyway considering the items my dad has is my mom’s money.

Earlier today, my mom told me that my dad told her to give him $250 for gas money for the previous month. WTF? My dad sold his car last month, so we are down to 2 cars in this family. I pay gas for my own car, so the $250 is just for the Camry. Seriously?!! $250??! My dad drove the Camry most of the time, compared to my mom. I drive around more than my dad does, and it does not cost me $250 a month for gas. Not even close. My mom also drives my car cause my dad is always taking her car. Since because the Camry is my mom’s car, I feel like my dad is making extra cash from my mom by driving her car. I am pissed. I am also upset that my dad have been withdrawing a few hundreds from the family’s bank account each month, and he wouldn’t let my mom know the reason for him withdrawing that money. My mom has all right to know because it’s her freaking money!